My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
starting a garage orchestra
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
