Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.