Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

Investing in beetcoin

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

me and who

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.