My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
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Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.