This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
i hate you platonically
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
who’s gonna tell her?
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch