Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

*aggressively waits in line*

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.