Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.