Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*