My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.