People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
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Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.