If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
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interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Don’t make me out nice you.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me