My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
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The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.