Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news