Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus