Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
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Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
If you need a laugh.. 😅
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Its true…
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Nigella has gone too far this time.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.