Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
You Might Also Like
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
By Kate Hatos
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream