[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
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Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
It’s called a ceasar salad because you stab it a bunch of times when you eat it
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat