Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Dishonest mechanic?

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.