Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.