my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Basically, any European coat of arms:
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
#oldknees
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
