Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
FINE, I WON’T.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?