Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

Rude much 😂😂😂

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭