Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
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If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
as the prophecy foretold
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I thought this was funny lol
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you