Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!