Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

be careful

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind