wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
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A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food