me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
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Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
can’t believe I got front row seats
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Life cycle of cat
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
It was worth a shot 😂
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record