Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
