Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Just why bro?!

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.