Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts