Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.