When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
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SONOFA
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met