How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
You Might Also Like
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house