Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

[Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

😭😭😭😭

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet