People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.