Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

The asteroid..

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

…żyje?

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”