me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
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No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Important
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked