I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭