Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

😼🖥️

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.