Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

Most Common Source of Electricity

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

need him

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance