How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
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When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid