[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
My dream job is getting paid to dream
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
