Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Voting is the worst group project

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater