Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.