Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.