Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

I drew y’all a little something.