Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.