I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
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Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
