Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

Bartenders are just boneless bars

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

what could possibly go wrong?

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

Good morning.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks