Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

customer: your lightest roast please

barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

Ah yes. The three genders

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

me, after any kind of buffet.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists